Monday, December 22, 2008

Misadventures in marketing

A cynical look at poor business practices and myopic thinking. This section is a work in progress. All names and references have been changed to protect the guilty. These experiences have allowed me to see the writing on the wall, and avoid pitfalls that many young startups make.

The Emperor's New Technology
A vignette about a company without a technology or plan for deploying that non-existent technology.

The true story about a company that faked it until it didn't make it.

Reinventing the wheel
A story about the re-invention of a technology that has been around since the dawn of man.

A billion trillion dollar market

What not to say to an investor.

Confuse them into submission
The tale of a technology demo devised by engineers, and ultimately, designed for engineers.

The Color Purple
The story of how an IT manager controlled the marketing department and chose the color "purple" because she "liked it."

Chaos Theory
A glimpse of a company in the grip of corporate entropy.

Fake it 'till you break it

Another woeful tale of robust expectations and effete ideas.

I don't care what my customers think
A paradigm of corporate myopia, and engineer-centric thinking.

I'm so smart I don't have to do anything
How one man brought down an entire company.

Shock and awe.

Miscellaneous adventures.

Profit By Investment
A business model based on revenue from investment.

Why I don't trust analysts.

The Graphic Narcissist
How one woman held an entire company by the balls.

There's no idea like one whose time will never come.
A list of bad ideas.

Death of a salesman.
A "first class" adventure that entails the worst business expense policy of all time.

Dumbain Name

How a startup threw away all its money.

Don't drink your own poison
How a man believed his own spin and risked his life to prove it.

Spotted leopards

How to ruin a business dinner.

Virtual contract
A story about a client who launched a strategic alliance without the consent of the other party.

$50,000 for your thoughts?

How lawyers raped a company for work they didn't even do.

You don't get what you pay for.

The story of abysmal QC that came at a premium.

Your product, my money.
A shameful tale about a business that showcased other people's intellectual property and sold it as if it was their own.

Consultant consortium
Sushi, money and vapid ideas.

Flying 20 hours for a 1 hour meeting.

Bubble Trouble
What happens if our product is complete rubbish? Time to raise more money.

Keep them all in the dark

A new approach to employee management.

The cup is half bull
Don't flaunt it if you don't got it.

Promote it and they will come
Why promoting an idea before you develop a product is a very bad thing to do.

His Majesty, the Creative Director

How a company let a senior manager act with impugnity, and scoff at all of his lowly subjects.

When all else bails

Out of ideas? Why not create yet another multilevel marketing enterprise.

Death by meeting
Why back-to-back 5-hour meetings is probably not productive.

Guilty by reason of sanity
How the smartest guy in the company was fired for lacking uncommon nonsense.

Waiting for Godot
How execs of a now defunct startup passed up a $50M cash offer because they thought they could get more.

Star Wars

Superstar executive hotshots who were too talented to work for a living.

On a mission

We'll figure out what the destination is once we get there.

A lesson in "unproductivity"
Why you shouldn't fly your consultants across the country for a 1-hour meeting, and change the business model the very next day.

Oh don't mind me. I'm just the marketing guy
An essay on making global marketing decisions without discussing them with the marketing department. Details, details.

If it's too stupid to be true, it probably isn't
You should probably understand the economy before you try to create a new one.

All that glitters
Powerpoint ouwits performance. Fine examples of presentation over content.

-Coming soon to a startup near you....

1 comment:

CFJr said...

agray, this is the truth if i've ever read it